While a custody decision is often based on your past actions and relationship with your children, that doesn’t mean your present actions won’t affect the outcome.

Divorce is one of those stressful life events that can change someone’s typical behavior. Some people act out aggressively, others develop dependencies, some withdraw entirely and many put their best foot forward. In any hearing or negotiation, you want to represent yourself in the best possible light. That’s especially important when child custody is on the line. After all, custody decisions are based on what is in the best interests of the child.

These behaviors can jeopardize your custody case:

1. Putting your children in the middle

It’s important to have honest conversations with your children, but never at the expense of your soon-to-be ex-spouse. Conversations need to focus on the child’s needs. Keep any opinion, blame or frustration to yourself.

2. Withholding parent-time or child support

Using your child to get back at your spouse can significantly affect the outcome of your case and lead to serious consequences. Now is not the time to retaliate against your spouse. Instead, try to keep your children’s needs front-and-center.

3. Letting your emotions get out of control

You are undoubtedly going through an emotional rollercoaster. Yet, to show the judge that you are fit for custody, you need to maintain control of your emotions. This means no angry voicemails or text messages, and no threats or unwarranted allegations. It goes without saying that you should also be professional in the courtroom. Obviously, don’t raise your voice or attack the other parent in front of the judge, but also refrain from shaking your head or making any faces, however seemingly benign.

4. Abusing alcohol or drugs

Pop culture glamorizes the traumatic bender, following bad news with a downtrodden binge and bottomless bottle. No matter how emotionally challenging a divorce, it’s always essential to represent your parental fortitude first, just as if the kids were in your care already.

5. Sharing too much on social media

It only takes one poorly phrased Facebook post to set off a firestorm that keeps burning. Even if you keep your Facebook private, you inevitably have common friends with your ex, and screenshots and shares can make the most private comment public in ways you didn’t intend. Social media posts can even make their way into the courtroom. It’s best to stay off Facebook during the duration of your divorce or custody case.

6. Racking up debt

A common response when a divorce looms is to do something vindictive. Don’t spend money from a joint account, and don’t buy items that you can’t afford. Again, when custody is the goal, you need to show that you’ll be a caregiver and provider instead of a frivolous shopper who acts out of spite.

7. Not cooperating with the other parent

Parents who can show that they are able to cooperate tend to see more favorable custody orders. Sit down with the other parent and make a plan for how you will share time with your children over the next few months. Then, make sure to work with the other parent if you want to take the children out of school or go on a trip. If there are important decisions to make regarding your children (such as their education or healthcare), make them together. Now is the time to set a positive tone for a working relationship you will need to maintain for years to come.

Putting Your Kids First

The custody decision is based, in part, on your capability to provide a loving and stable home for your kids. Constancy is important for children through the transition. There will be immense change for everyone, but as your children’s potential caretaker, you need to be the bridge through this life event. Divorce is hard, but losing control never makes the situation better.

Getting lost in your own emotions or focusing too heavily on moving your own personal life forward can have negative effects on the children. The best way to win a custody battle is to show an ability to understand the situation and to prove to the court that you are the parent who is most capable of putting the children’s needs first.

The post 7 Things to Avoid When Seeking Custody appeared first on The Law Office of Eric P. Paulson.

Between 1989 and 2012, the number of stay-at-home fathers nearly doubled, and that number continues to rise today. Fathers are staying at home for three main reasons: 1) they suffer from an illness or disability (35 percent); 2) they have lost their job or are unable to find employment (23 percent); and/or 3) they desire to be the primary caregiver (21 percent).

The last reason is the most interesting, particularly in the family law realm. The number of fathers staying at home to take care of the family has increased fourfold since 1989. In a world where gender roles are changing, so are the way we raise our kids and our family laws.

As with most things, societal opinion lags behind. A survey by Pew Research Center found that while 51 percent of Americans believe children are better off with a stay-at-home mom than a working mom, a mere 8 percent said the same about dads. A similar trend can be found in the courts. In Utah, while our laws are gender-neutral, allowing men to receive alimony and custody, men continue to be more likely than women to have custodial interference, alimony and sole physical custody requests dismissed by the courts.

Protecting Dads Through Legal Advocacy

A stay-at-home father should not have a different experience in court than a stay-at-home mother. If a mom can receive alimony because she does not have recent and sufficient job experience or education to support her family, then a dad should, too. If a mom is more likely to be awarded additional time with the children due to her role as a caregiver, then a father should expect the same.

Yet, judges are people too, which is why having the right legal support is essential. An attorney can help you develop your case in a way that demonstrates your contributions to the family.

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As stores bring out their holiday merchandise and kids start to make their lists and craft their costumes, divorcing parents can feel more overwhelmed than ever. This is particularly true if you have recently filed for divorce and are “winging it” while you try to agree on a parenting plan. How can you help your children stay happy during a time of changing traditions?

We won’t sugar coat it: This time of year – particularly this first time – is going to be hard. Yet, you can take steps now to make the process less scary for you and your children. Here are some things to consider:

1. Sit Down and Make a Plan

Who will take the kids trick-or-treating? Who will have them on Thanksgiving? During Hanukkah? Christmas? These are decisions to make now, rather than wait until the last minute. If you can, sit down with your ex and detail out a plan. Many parents choose to split the holidays evenly, allowing the child to be with mom in the morning and dad in the afternoon. Others choose to split vacation days down the middle in order to avoid frequent hand-offs. Still others keep the same traditions and “tough it out” for their children. Consider your children and what is best for them in the long run.

During your discussion, lay some ground rules about how you will interact with each other and the children. Agree that you won’t badmouth the other parent, have a gift war or otherwise make the holidays more uncomfortable for your children.

Of course, this meet-and-plan approach won’t work for every couple, particularly if there is a power imbalance or you simply cannot agree. An attorney can step in to help you negotiate a schedule. Mediation can also be a useful tool for some couples.

2. Talk to Your Children

Your children will have plenty of emotions and questions. Opening up that dialogue is important. Reassure them that their holidays will continue, even if they may be different. Give them a chance to tell you what they’d like to do. Watch your children and try to anticipate what they are thinking. Give them the chance to talk and remind them frequently of how much their parents love them.

3. Create New Traditions

Life is changing, and so will some of your traditions. Many parents decide to create their own traditions to give their children new things to look forward to. Maybe you’ve never been to the local light show or community Halloween event. This is a great year to start! That said, now is not the time to replace all of the traditions your children have grown to love and expect. It is a mistake to assume that everything can and should be different. Instead, consider which traditions are most important to your children and what routines you can retain.

4. Take Care of Yourself

In the midst of the chaos, it’s important for you to think about yourself, too. You are likely going through many different emotions ranging from sadness and loneliness (after all, your traditions are changing, too) to guilt. The best advice that psychologists have to offer on this subject is to reach out to your support system and give yourself a break. Try to accept that things will not be perfect. If you can, find some “me” time to do something that you love, whether that’s a massage, going to a game or simply reading a book.

Remember: Many other people have been here before. You will get through this time and it will get easier. In the meantime, consider seeking the help of professionals (legal, psychological, etc.) to make the transition as smooth as possible.

The post Divorcing During the Holidays: A Scary Prospect? appeared first on The Law Office of Eric P. Paulson.

If you are going through a divorce or child custody dispute, you have probably heard the phrase best interests of the child. Like you, courts consider your child’s safety, happiness and well-being to be the paramount factor in their child custody and parenting time decisions. Yet, the standard is nebulous. You and the other parent may have very different notions of what your child needs. Who wins?

What Does Best Interests Mean?

Judges have a long list of factors to consider when determining what is in a child’s best interests for child custody and parent-time schedules, including:

• The relationship between each parent and the child and how much bonding time is necessary to maintain that relationship
• The parents’ role in the child’s life, including their role in caretaking
• How likely each parent is to allow the child time with the other parent
• How the parents have conducted themselves, including whether they have exposed the child to harm
• The child’s physical and emotional needs
• How close the parents’ homes are to each other
• The parents’ ability to cooperate with each other
• A child’s wishes, if the court considers the child sufficiently mature (though this is rarely a determining factor)

Taking Control of the Decision: Working Together

If you and the other parent are able to work together to come up with a plan for legal custody (the right to make decisions about your child) and physical custody (where the child lives), there is a good chance that plan will be in your child’s best interests. You have a much better idea of what your child needs to thrive than a judge who has never met him or her.

These discussions take energy. They require you to put your own feelings aside and concentrate on what matters most: your child’s well-being. Now is not the time to fight for sole custody simply because you want more time with your child. Instead, put yourself into your child’s shoes and consider their needs when making decisions.

When a Court Decides: Proving Your Plan Is in Your Child’s Best Interests

Working together may be an impossible endeavor if you are going through a contentious divorce or if there is a power imbalance.

When a court must decide, it is in your best interests to determine what you believe should happen and provide evidence to support your wishes and concerns. Is there evidence of abuse or other danger to the child? The court needs to hear it. Who has been the primary caregiver? What is the child currently accustomed to? Where will you live? These are questions you will need to answer.

It is common for people to bring in witnesses, such as teachers and neighbors, to provide testimony. The court may also appoint a guardian ad litem to observe your child and provide a recommendation to the court, or have a therapist or social worker evaluate your child. During these evaluations, and throughout your case, it is vital that you do not do anything that could affect your custody rights. Do not badmouth the other parent, refuse to let him or her see the child (unless the child is at risk, in which case, you should involve the court), give any indication that child support plays into your desire to see your child more, or take any action that could be seen as morally damaging.

Finally, consider hiring an attorney experienced in child custody. An attorney can help you understand your options and defend your interests in court. Remember, in family law, you don’t necessarily get what’s fair. You get what you are able to negotiate or prove to the court. The court doesn’t know your family and will base their child custody decision on what it believes to be in the best interests of your child. You do not want that to be different from what you know to be in your child’s best interests. An attorney can help you tell your story.

The post It’s All in Your Child’s Best Interests, Right? appeared first on The Law Office of Eric P. Paulson.

A “final” child custody order may be signed by a court in Utah but that does not mean it cannot be changed. The law recognizes that sometimes there is a need to change an existing child custody order, whether or not it is a “final” court order. A parent’s health could change. A parent could move out-of-state or a parent may develop a substance abuse problem that could require a change in custody. Just as life can cause changes in a family, so can life create the need to change a child custody order — fortunately, the law, in some circumstances, permits change.

Circumstances That Merit a Modification

First of all, if you and your former spouse agree to deviate from your existing child custody (and parent-time) order — even on a temporary basis — it is important that that agreement be in writing.  If the agreed deviation is of a significant and permanent nature, it is best to formally request that the court modify the existing order.

A modification to the existing order may not be achieved with your former spouse’s agreement; however, a modification may still be in the best interest of the child(ren) and that modification can be requested from the court.  A substance abuse problem is a common reason to modify a child custody order; however, other circumstances could also warrant a change.  So, what does a parent have to prove in order for a court to modify a child custody order? The law outlines this in Utah Code Section 30-3-10.4: 

1) A material and substantial change of circumstance has occurred; and

2) A modification of the terms and conditions of the order would be an improvement for and in the best interest of the child.”

While a person may represent himself or herself in court, a parent seeking to modify a child custody order is well-advised to retain the services of an experienced family law attorney.

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